Run, Chuck, Run

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE (May 2, 2014)

Christian Conservatives Name Cooper
As Their 2016 Presidential Candidate


BLAIRSVILLE, GA – In a not so surprising statement here today, Christian Conservative Party Chairman Chuck Cooper said he has decided to become the new party’s first official candidate for President of the United States.
Just yesterday, he announced the formation of the new political party. “I want to provide a political home-base for Christian Conservatives and other like-minded folks of faith whose goal is to return the U.S. to its foundational roots with common sense solutions based upon the Bible, the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights and the Ten Commandments,” he said.
During yesterday’s announcement, he hinted he would run for the Presidency. Now it is official.

Cooper, 75 and in decent health, is a political rookie. In fact, he has zero public service experience and has never run for or been appointed to public office. “I believe my lack of political experience is a game-changing benefit to my candidacy,” he claimed today. “Truth be told,” he continued, “I carry no political baggage. I’m not beholden or accountable to anyone other than God and my lovely wife of 52 years. I have no political skeletons to explain. I have no political paybacks to make. I have no one whatsoever pulling my strings. My yeas will always be yeas and my nays will always be nays. With me, you get what you see! Period!” he promised. “I’m not trying to build a legacy,” he insists. “I already have one. My family!”

Cooper claims emphatically that his candidacy has ONE and ONLY ONE agenda: “to jump-start the resurrection of the U.S. into the country our God-inspired Founding Fathers envisioned,” he stated. “I do not seek fame, fortune, power, riches, free golf or tax payer paid world-wide vacations for my family members and BFFs,” he said.

“Working with all Congressional Conservatives, regardless of party affiliation, we will set the table to provide the same opportunities we had growing up for all children and grandchildren everywhere. As a doting Grandfather, I can tell you that most parents and grandparents are extremely concerned, worried, and frightened about the life their offspring face unless things change significantly. Together, we can change our country’s destiny. It ain’t easy, but it is certainly do-able,” he said.

“I want to re-instill patriotism, belief, loyalty and pride in our country and to self-prove to all Americans that, with God’s help, the best years of our country are ahead of us. Provided, of course, that our country’s future is built on faith in God, on a good, practical education, on personal responsibility for the consequences of our decisions, on huge dreams and on hard work,” he said.

The “American Dream,” he noted, “has become a nightmare for most Americans. The lack of jobs has created an “insidious malaise” among our people. Creating public sector jobs rather than tax-supported government jobs is critical to our rebound. Jobs created by ‘Free Enterprise’ are the engine that drives our economic recovery. I want to provide real hope through real opportunities; not the false hope provided by the government with its debilitating handouts that hurt rather than help the recipients long-term. “For ‘chronologically advantaged’ Americans, I want to help establish policies to keep the feds from raiding our hard-earned retirement nest eggs,” he said. “That’s OUR money, Buddy-Ro. We earned it, we saved it. Keep your lousy mitts off of it.”

Shortly, Cooper will begin periodically releasing a series of “Christian Conservative Values” documents detailing his ideas for getting our country “back on track,” he said. “I will be very up front, direct and detailed in how I plan to lead,” he promised. “Take note that I said 'lead' not 'dictate,'” he pointed out. He said he may not be the smartest bear in the woods or the most dedicated salmon in the stream, but “I want to dedicate the rest of my life to helping get our train-wrecked country back on track and headed in the right direction,” he said.

“My management style is to find the best practical minds in our country and operate our country as a team. I won’t be the boss. I’ll be the team captain,” he claimed. “None of the carefully vetted team members I ask to serve will be ‘career builders,’” he promised. “All team members will make decisions and recommendations based on what is best for our country long-term,” he said. “We’ve had enough of self-serving, self-promoting, self-guided decisions and policies by so-called “leaders” who have ignored the fact that they work for us. We don’t work for them!” That will end when I’m inaugurated on January 20, 2017,” Cooper promised.

To that end, Candidate Cooper promises to release the names of his “dream team” cabinet members “sooner rather than later;” he will also name his hoped-for top advisors – his “management team” shortly. “This campaign is not about me,” he emphasized. “It’s about the White House, Congress and the Judiciary working together and adopting the same game-plan for what our country should be.

Cooper deferred commenting on his “campaign fundraising” plan now, but promised he’d release his “official bio” some stunning financial news next week.